Monday, February 9, 2015

News Flash: 

Chicken Alliance completes EGG-STAR, threatens to destroy the Galaxy

Did you miss catching the Galactic Edition of the Times-Chickayune on Saturday?  No worries, we got it right here.  Watch out for the falling whale.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Jindal & Perry Defend Dull Sex, Worry About Innocent Chicks

                                                                                      photo - Justin Sullivan/Getty
Jan. 27th, Weslaco, Texas
- Richard Phallus, Times-Chickayune Texas Bureau

During a press luncheon on the banks of the Rio Grande River with Texas Governor Rick Perry, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal raised eyebrows today by unilaterally declaring war on people who don’t practice missionary position sex.  After having issued bellicose statements about his opposition to gay marriage (which merited beer burps in the national media), Jindal clearly felt pressured to stake out a new conservative high ground. 

“These deviants and homos are ruining the marriages of millions of hard-working Americans with their cowgirl positions, their twerking, their 69s.  This has to stop – we must defend the sanctity of our boring one-position bedrooms.  I was raised a tantric Hindu, but let me tell you – I found security and stopped wetting the bed once I committed to a true Christian missionary-sex-only marriage.”

Reporters asked Governor Perry for his response only to be met by smacking and mastication as Perry wolfed down several enormous corn dogs dripping with mayonnaise.  After wiping his jaws with an embroidered napkin, Perry simply grunted:  “Bobby’s gonna get them freaks.”           
 The luncheon was disturbed by a rush of pink-clad illegal immigrants swimming the river and sprinting away once they reached the Texas shore.  Governor Jindal tossed down his cucumber sandwich and rushed to the railing with a previously concealed M-16 rifle in hand.  Firing several bursts before reloading magazines, Jindal turned back to the press table with a masculine grin.  “These gay 'Mescans! They get what they deserve.  Supreme court has its' way, these invaders are gonna be tryin’ to marry my chickens someday soon.  ‘Mericans gotta protect this border. Our chickens are vulnerable.”

Clearly pleased by Jindal's very sincere antics, Gov. Perry leaned over, pulled a chunk of chewing tobacco out of his jaw & dropped it into Jindal’s mouth.  “You done good, Piyush.  We gotta put a ticket together.   Now how many people is it on a presidential ticket?  Hang on, just lemme count.  Oops.”

Sunday, January 25, 2015

'The Most Hardcore': Jindal Continues to Believe in 'No-Go Zones' Despite Rest of World Accepting Reality

Chickayune staff report
With the white-knuckled death grip of a man desperate to stand out in a race for national office, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal continues to state that Europe is full of “no-go zones” that are ruled by sharia law and that non-Muslims are not allowed to enter, a lie first reported on Fox News—a lie so outrageous that, unlike the other lies it has broadcast, the network later apologized for it.
Jindal, though, isn't one to let the truth get in the way of his beliefs. He has reiterated the existence of the no-go zones in a speech in London and on — where else? — Fox News.
In a press conference last week during a rare two-hour stop in Louisiana between visits to Iowa and New Hampshire, he said that “when I am elected president,” eliminating no-go zones in the United States will be one of his top priorities, along with “confronting the dire threat posed by Sasquatch, the Rougarou and the Slender Man.”
When a reporter asked Jindal to name one specific no-go zone in Europe or America, he was silent. Then his face crumpled and he curled his hands into fists and started stomping his feet. 
“The others backed down, but I won’t!” he said. “I always knew I was the most hardcore. I deserve to win! Me! Me! Me!”
“The press conference is over!” roared a spokesman, hurriedly ushering everyone out of the room.
“Look,” he barked at the press corps as he leaned against the door, behind which the tantrum audibly continued. “Do you know who brought all the gifts to the governor’s mansion this Christmas? The same people who bring them every year — Santa Claus and his little helper, Baby Jesus. And if you ever tell him different, I will personally see to it that you never get an interview in this town again!”

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

State's Newest Budget Headache: Vitter's Diaper Bills

Jan. 25th, Baton Rouge, LA
Chick Mystique - Times-Chickayune Capitol Bureau
With U.S. Senator, family man and confirmed whoremonger David Vitter leading the pack in polls for this year’s governor’s race, Louisiana’s taxpayers could find a new expense widening the $1.4 billion money pit that is the state’s budget shortfall: Vitter’s diaper and hooker bills. 
“I mean, I guess it’s not that much,” said a Baton Rouge prostitute who goes by the name “The Other Wendy” and knows Vitter’s appetites from his days as a state representative. “But when you’re facing a deficit so bad you might have to close colleges, every little bit hurts, doesn’t it?”
Vitter, of course, is the (do we even need to say it?) conservative Republican who ran for U.S. Senate on a “family values” platform and later was revealed to have an appetite for prostitutes. After the scandal, he was re-elected because — well, nobody’s sure why, but it’s a safe bet that the racists in the GOP rank and file sure liked those anti-immigration ads.
Anyway, along with his hookers, Vitter likes diapers. Likes wearing them, likes being forced to wear them. Loves the feel of that gauze and elastic just rubbing up against his skin.
“He wears the really nice ones,” The Other Wendy said. “The diapers this guy chooses, you can tell he’s a Harvard grad and a Rhodes scholar. These are European-made—the champagne and caviar of adult continence products.”
“He wants regular ones for the start of the night,” said another hooker, Wendy Three, whom Vitter frequented in D.C. “Then at the end, he likes you to give him a pair of pull-ups and tell him what a big boy he is.”
That champagne and caviar doesn’t come cheap. A year’s supply of diapers could cost thousands of dollars. That’s not counting laundry bills, lubes and accessories, which also run into the thousands. 
The hookers don’t come cheap either. The brothel he patronized in D.C. charged up to $300 an hour. The prostitutes who know him said if he can't find what he wants in Louisiana, he'll fly in hookers from other cities.
But to each his own, right? We at The Times-Chickayune don’t really care what consenting adults do in their private lives. Sex is awesome and beautiful. Whatever gets you through the night, we say. (Vitter, who once compared the effects of gay marriage to Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, probably wouldn’t say that.) Except his appetites could hurt Louisiana citizens in a way that would resound deeply with Vitter himself — in our pocketbooks.
“I’d look for a weird budget line item having to do with travel, and I’d look for a lot of late-night charter flights,” Wendy Three said. 
“He did propose requiring people who get food stamps to show photo IDs, which is going to mean that a lot of them end up going hungry,” mused Wendy Four, another of Vitter's D.C. hookers. “So maybe he could use some of the leftover food-stamp money on diapers and whores.”
But would Vitter, a fiscal conservative, actually do that to the state’s taxpayers?
“Are you kidding? He can’t spend his own money!” Wendy Four said. “If his wife finds out, she’ll cut it off!
It is true that, back in 2000, Vitter’s wife, Wendy, compared herself to Lorena Bobbitt, and it is true that two years later, Vitter called off a run for governor amid allegations of an affair with a prostitute. The original Wendy apparently did not follow up on her latent threat, leaving Vitter well-positioned to keep screwing hookers — and the Louisiana electorate — well into the future.