Jan. 25th, Baton Rouge, LA
Chick Mystique - Times-Chickayune Capitol Bureau
With U.S. Senator, family man and confirmed whoremonger David Vitter leading the pack in polls for this year’s governor’s race, Louisiana’s taxpayers could find a new expense widening the $1.4 billion money pit that is the state’s budget shortfall: Vitter’s diaper and hooker bills.
“I mean, I guess it’s not that much,” said a Baton Rouge prostitute who goes by the name “The Other Wendy” and knows Vitter’s appetites from his days as a state representative. “But when you’re facing a deficit so bad you might have to close colleges, every little bit hurts, doesn’t it?”
Vitter, of course, is the (do we even need to say it?) conservative Republican who ran for U.S. Senate on a “family values” platform and later was revealed to have an appetite for prostitutes. After the scandal, he was re-elected because — well, nobody’s sure why, but it’s a safe bet that the racists in the GOP rank and file sure liked those anti-immigration ads.
Anyway, along with his hookers, Vitter likes diapers. Likes wearing them, likes being forced to wear them. Loves the feel of that gauze and elastic just rubbing up against his skin.
“He wears the really nice ones,” The Other Wendy said. “The diapers this guy chooses, you can tell he’s a Harvard grad and a Rhodes scholar. These are European-made—the champagne and caviar of adult continence products.”
“He wants regular ones for the start of the night,” said another hooker, Wendy Three, whom Vitter frequented in D.C. “Then at the end, he likes you to give him a pair of pull-ups and tell him what a big boy he is.”
That champagne and caviar doesn’t come cheap. A year’s supply of diapers could cost thousands of dollars. That’s not counting laundry bills, lubes and accessories, which also run into the thousands.
The hookers don’t come cheap either. The brothel he patronized in D.C. charged up to $300 an hour. The prostitutes who know him said if he can't find what he wants in Louisiana, he'll fly in hookers from other cities.
But to each his own, right? We at The Times-Chickayune don’t really care what consenting adults do in their private lives. Sex is awesome and beautiful. Whatever gets you through the night, we say. (Vitter, who once compared the effects of gay marriage to Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, probably wouldn’t say that.) Except his appetites could hurt Louisiana citizens in a way that would resound deeply with Vitter himself — in our pocketbooks.
“I’d look for a weird budget line item having to do with travel, and I’d look for a lot of late-night charter flights,” Wendy Three said.
“He did propose requiring people who get food stamps to show photo IDs, which is going to mean that a lot of them end up going hungry,” mused Wendy Four, another of Vitter's D.C. hookers. “So maybe he could use some of the leftover food-stamp money on diapers and whores.”
But would Vitter, a fiscal conservative, actually do that to the state’s taxpayers?
“Are you kidding? He can’t spend his own money!” Wendy Four said. “If his wife finds out, she’ll cut it off!
It is true that, back in 2000, Vitter’s wife, Wendy, compared herself to Lorena Bobbitt, and it is true that two years later, Vitter called off a run for governor amid allegations of an affair with a prostitute. The original Wendy apparently did not follow up on her latent threat, leaving Vitter well-positioned to keep screwing hookers — and the Louisiana electorate — well into the future.