Chickayune staff report
With the white-knuckled death grip of a man desperate to stand out in a race for national office, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal continues to state that Europe is full of “no-go zones” that are ruled by sharia law and that non-Muslims are not allowed to enter, a lie first reported on Fox News—a lie so outrageous that, unlike the other lies it has broadcast, the network later apologized for it.
Jindal, though, isn't one to let the truth get in the way of his beliefs. He has reiterated the existence of the no-go zones in a speech in London and on — where else? — Fox News.
In a press conference last week during a rare two-hour stop in Louisiana between visits to Iowa and New Hampshire, he said that “when I am elected president,” eliminating no-go zones in the United States will be one of his top priorities, along with “confronting the dire threat posed by Sasquatch, the Rougarou and the Slender Man.”
When a reporter asked Jindal to name one specific no-go zone in Europe or America, he was silent. Then his face crumpled and he curled his hands into fists and started stomping his feet.
“The others backed down, but I won’t!” he said. “I always knew I was the most hardcore. I deserve to win! Me! Me! Me!”
“The press conference is over!” roared a spokesman, hurriedly ushering everyone out of the room.
“Look,” he barked at the press corps as he leaned against the door, behind which the tantrum audibly continued. “Do you know who brought all the gifts to the governor’s mansion this Christmas? The same people who bring them every year — Santa Claus and his little helper, Baby Jesus. And if you ever tell him different, I will personally see to it that you never get an interview in this town again!”