Jindal & Perry Defend Dull Sex, Worry About Innocent Chicks

                                                                                      photo - Justin Sullivan/Getty

Jan. 27th, Weslaco, Texas
- Richard Phallus, Times-Chickayune Texas Bureau

During a press luncheon on the banks of the Rio Grande River with Texas Governor Rick Perry, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal raised eyebrows today by unilaterally declaring war on people who don’t practice missionary position sex.  After having issued bellicose statements about his opposition to gay marriage (which merited beer burps in the national media), Jindal clearly felt pressured to stake out a new conservative high ground. 

“These deviants and homos are ruining the marriages of millions of hard-working Americans with their cowgirl positions, their twerking, their 69s.  This has to stop – we must defend the sanctity of our boring one-position bedrooms.  I was raised a tantric Hindu, but let me tell you – I found security and stopped wetting the bed once I committed to a true Christian missionary-sex-only marriage.”

Reporters asked Governor Perry for his response only to be met by smacking and mastication as Perry wolfed down several enormous corn dogs dripping with mayonnaise.  After wiping his jaws with an embroidered napkin, Perry simply grunted:  “Bobby’s gonna get them freaks.”           

                                                                                          

 The luncheon was disturbed by a rush of pink-clad illegal immigrants swimming the river and sprinting away once they reached the Texas shore.  Governor Jindal tossed down his cucumber sandwich and rushed to the railing with a previously concealed M-16 rifle in hand.  Firing several bursts before reloading magazines, Jindal turned back to the press table with a masculine grin.  “These gay 'Mescans! They get what they deserve.  Supreme court has its' way, these invaders are gonna be tryin’ to marry my chickens someday soon.  ‘Mericans gotta protect this border. Our chickens are vulnerable.”

Clearly pleased by Jindal's very sincere antics, Gov. Perry leaned over, pulled a chunk of chewing tobacco out of his jaw & dropped it into Jindal’s mouth.  “You done good, Piyush.  We gotta put a ticket together.   Now how many people is it on a presidential ticket?  Hang on, just lemme count.  Oops.”